Writer’s Block Does Not Exist! by David Lovattsmith

First posted on 12-11-2007

I stand corrected.

As the internationally-acclaimed author of several erudite and deeply disturbing scholarly papers on the subject of Writer’s Block, imagine, if you will, my consternation upon learning that, irrefutably, the condition does not exist. Never has, never will.

I can tell you, t was a shock akin to the Hubble telescope confirming that world is triangular, the French realizing that they are not the mainstay of western civilization or, say, of George W. Bush discovering that the American public does exist.

Seems that the actual term ‘writer’s block’ is, in fact, a spurious conceit, merely another way of saying ‘I wanna go back to bed.’

The ghastly news was broken to me by an extremely persistent entity- a pale imitation of our dearly beloved Amazines.com- an entity that insists on overloading my Hotmail with pompous drek.

I quote: “If you’re like most writers, you face all sorts of ailments (writer’s block and procrastination, to name a couple). Sometimes all you need is a little inspiration to get you back on the write track . . . And so we present to you Xxxxxm’s prescription for inspiration:”

So there you have it, straight from the Drek’s mouth. Writer’s block is not the hallowed, exotic malaise ennobled by Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald. It is merely a moribund variation on procrastination. I mean, o yuk. Despite what they tell you at Creative Writing, writer’s block is merely (and here I refer you to Roget’s) “dawdling, giving the run around, playing for time, postponing, shilly-shallying (don’t you just love that? My old man/said “follow the van/and don’t shilly-shally on the way” Cockney music-hall song), and temporizing.” In other words, we’re talking:

- Clients, when it comes to cutting freelancer’s checks.

- The automobile industry, over cutting emissions.

- George W. Bush, and Iran.

- All of us. Ask the IRS, or the Post Office.

-Politicians, except where pork is concerned.

- Big Oil, over the prospect of being indicted for crimes against humanity.

- All of us, over everything concerning our beloved automobiles and the sacred right to pollute the world in order to get to Wal Mart before they run out of frozen dinners.

- CNN, and the firing of Lou Dobbs.

- Hilary Clinton, and driving licences for ‘illegal immigrants.’

- China, and taking over the world.

- Microsoft, and trashing Vista.

- Amazines, nominating me for a Pulitzer Prize.

Bottom line, writer’s block, R.I.P. So. Next time you stare desperately at a blank screen, or a virgin sheet of paper, just understand that you are merely a reincarnation of George W. Bush, your local Congressman, or the VP Marketing of General Motors.

That’ll get rid of your writer’s block.

BIO. Unfortunately for the literaturate world, David Lovattsmith has never been afflicted with writer’s block. As a result, his collection of short stories, Hasta Nunca, is slated to be published early 2008. Pre-launch free extracts can be had by asking nicely from